Posted by: terrapraeta | January 18, 2008

Where’s the Love?


With the lights out its less dangerous
Here we are now Entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now Entertain us
A mulatto An albino A mosquito My libido
Yea

Nirvana Smells Like Teen Spirit

I have always thought of myself as a pretty easy going person. I mean, I can get as intent as hell when it comes to a deep philosophical discussion, or the happiness and safety of my loved ones, and so on. But what I am talking about here is stress. Generally, I haven’t thought of it as a problem in my life. I tend to let troubles just wash off me, and when that doesn’t work, man can I vent!

But recent events have made me sort of reconsider this a little. I have been working on a big project for work over the last two years and it is finally nearing completion. But its not there, yet. And I keep thinking just a little more time and I’ll be there. Trying to get there, I’ve been working a whole lot more intently than is my wont, and even so, I have run into more than a few hurtles and roadblocks (and a number of other cliches I could throw at you if I were so inclined.).

At the same time, my honey has been busy with work. Not in the same way, but there has been a lot of politics and general BS plaguing his daily life, so he has been a little stressed himself. Which of course, I can’t help but pick up on. All in all, its made our household just a little more tense than usual. Only a little – and that’s probably why I think of myself in particular, and our family in general as ‘easy going’ and not prone to real stress issues.

However, due to the unique concurrence of events – not the least of which is this blog – I have come to recognize that we – or I – may not handle it as well as I thought. See, one of the big issues I am writing this blog to explore is human sexuality, and by that I mean my own sexuality. Back in August when I was starting I was covering that topic pretty regularly, both on the philosophical side and the personal exploration side.

Lately, by contrast, I really haven’t had anything to say. And I kept telling myself that this was because we have been busy and so have not gone and done as many things that have triggered ideas on sexual ponderings. But then it hit me. Its not just that we have been busy. Its the stress.

About a week and a half ago I started to realize that I was building up significant tension in myself – I was approaching a big meeting and getting worried about whether I would be prepared. At the same time, we noticed that my sex drive was waning rather dramatically. Now I know a bit about math, but it still took me a while to realize that one and one was two. Chronic, low level stress, for me, apparently translates into general apathy, reduced libido and apparently, even reduced sensitivity. And it took me this long to figure that out?

Now, my meeting is passed, and it all went well. I’m still under the gun a little on finishing my project, but I have a few months and if I maintain a reasonable schedule, I should be just fine. (I told my honey that he needs to keep reminding me how awful I felt for the last week before that meeting – just in case I thought about slacking off again.) So now it is time to get back on track.

I’ve suggested a trip to the strip club next weekend – just the two of us, with limited alcohol and hopefully, lots of interesting discussions between us along the way. That was another missing component see – the general apathy I mentioned. So maybe a nice dinner, a little chat about fantasies and flirtations and who knows what else. A little visual stimulation to boot – and maybe next week I’ll be back on track with the eros part of eros philia agape.

(Originally Posted October 29, 2006)

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