Give it to me, don’t give it away
Don’t think about what the others say
My skins getting clear, my hairs so bright
All you do is fuck me every day and night
You’re my secret beauty routine
Na, na, na, na, what my body has seen
I am lookin’ good and I’m feeling nice
Baby you’re the best magazine advice
Liz Phair, H.W.C
I spent some time re-reading some of my earliest blog entries, today. I hadn’t realized how heavily my early entries were skewed toward sex and sexuality. I mean, I knew – and intended – for this blog to be equally about sexuality and culture, that’s sort of the point. But I appear to have lost my way, somewhat, in recent weeks.
Of course, there is a reason for that. Isn’t there always? In fact, in this case there are several. The simplest is that I covered my major pet peeves in short order. Jealousy, Gay Phobias, SOP’s. I also explored my own history, early on. I come back to that, now and again, but really, how much is there to say? But I don’t think that either of those are the real reason.
The real reason I have gotten away from sexual issues is that its become far more real in recent months. I find myself considering these issues on a far more practical level than before. Exploring not just the idea of something, but the actual experience, honest emotion, deep seated needs, wants, nice-to-have’s, and trying to figure out which is which.
Of course, this should encourage me to write more, but I find that until I have some answers that make sense to me, I’m not quite ready to share. I don’t want to present anything that will appear to be a decision, if I am not decisive. I don’t want the written word to become dogma. I don’t want doubts or possibilities to be seen as fait accompli.
But just the same, I can’t leave you with nothing, nor would I be writing this if I didn’t feel like it was time to start purging my soul. So here goes.
I wrote before about my old lover coming back into my life. He is still around, although far away. He is also in a terribly needy place right now. Not the disgusting, weepy, image that we (or at least I) imagine when someone says ‘needy’; but the just knowing you care makes all the difference kind of needy. He was my best friend for a time, an important part of me becoming the adult that I am, an instigator and a validator and a shoulder to cry on.
I told him, not too awfully long ago, that my love for him was of the all that really matters to me is that you be happy variety. Hell, I attended his wedding and reveled in his euphoria, thrilled to see him finally become a whole person – or so I thought at the time.
But now, knowing that he needs my support, I can’t not give it to him. And yet, his presence in my virtual life does evoke thoughts and memories and feelings from the past. Part of me knows that once he finds his way, again, that this will all pass. But part of me whispers that I am telling myself that so that I can ignore, undervalue, and postpone the issues that simmer just beneath the surface.
Meanwhile, my honey and I continue to explore our own feelings and ideas about the world and our place in it. Looking for meaning and happiness, security and community. Yet waiting for the moment to come when we can actively pursue these things. I find myself getting more and more stressed over the fact of that waiting. Perhaps the simple act of writing these things every day is making it worse. Or perhaps, it is making it better – so I don’t want to even think where I might be without this avenue of expression.
All of this has certainly come across in my writing recently, although the fundamental causes have been hidden beneath other, more superficial thoughts. But that is the key right there: my writing has been far more superficial recently, and it is because I am holding these thoughts too close to my heart to share them. Now that I see it, the irony is almost killing me as I sit here typing. I rail on communication, community, trust and the deep relationships possible once we open ourselves up – and then I hide away my own insecurities and indecision.
Time for me to stand up, face myself squarely and start again.
(Originally Posted December 2, 2006)