Come on to my house
Come on and do something new
I know you love one person so
Why can’t you love two ?
Give a little something
Give a little something
To My Love Life
To My Love Life
My Love Life
Morrissey, My Love Life
There have been some interesting developments in my life over the past few weeks. At first, I was quite convinced that it was really not going to be anything of significance, but it looks like I was, perhaps, mistaken.
See, over the past three months, my honey has had a little flirtation going. He went out with the boys one night for football and met a friend of a friend… she was cute, and single and flirtatious, and that was that. Of course, he told me all about it and so it was never a big deal, just a little fun for him and little opportunity for me to tease him after the fact. (Or for him to tease me, depending on the situation) They would see each other once a week, perhaps, always in the crowd, and they exchanged some emails now and again. About a month ago, they even started talking on the phone a little… but it was always just a playful sort of thing.
However, a couple weeks ago, the dynamic began to change. After a flurry of emails, she called him up and they got to talking more seriously, to the point that she admitted, she was starting to have feelings for him. At this point, he came to me and told me that things got away from him and he felt like he was going to have to ‘break up’ with (ummm, let’s call her) Laura. We had a long discussion and decided it would be best if he invited her out for a drink, just the two of them, and then was completely frank with her over our situation and relationship.
We thought that would probably be the end of it. But it was not. In fact, for the last couple weeks, it has been a little bit chaotic. She feels like she should break it off, but she doesn’t really want to. In the meantime, my honey is trying to honor her word when she says its over – but, at the same time, he wants it to continue. So it has been a balancing act between not pushing her, while being honest about his own feelings on the situation. With my blessing, things have gotten a little bit physical between them – but my honey has been reticent to go too far, because he thinks it will be harder on both of them to stop (assuming this is what she really needs to happen), if they allow it to go further.
Its been sort of an interesting, vicarious experience for me as well. I am quite anxious to meet her, but we have determined that this would be too much for her right now (she has a very different world view than we do, thus the majority of her see-sawing). I have also had the opportunity to sit back and observe my emotional and visceral reactions to the situation. I have to admit, the first time my honey came home and reported that they had engaged in a little kissing and groping, a stray thought crossed my mind: “We’re really doing this… I could lose him” — but I felt then, and still do, that this is the voice of our cultural assumptions, none of which I honestly believe any more. But that does not mean the thoughts are simply vanquished.
Last week, he went and spent an afternoon with her. It was their first opportunity to really spend some time together and talk honestly (ie without others around). I think I felt pretty good about it most of the day, until it started getting late, then I started getting anxious about the whole thing. On reflection, I decided that the anxiety I was feeling was no different from what I have felt when he was out with the guys and late. I was ‘jealous of his time’, but the jealousy had no sexual component.
I’ve been very pleased with this all, so far. When it comes down to it, however much I believed that I believe in polyamoury and all that this entails, this is still the first time I have really indulged that belief. (I had an extended non-exclusive relationship when I was younger that qualifies, but was different in a number of ways. Mostly, because I never believed it would be a serious relationship, however much I loved him. Perhaps I’ll write more about this soon, as he has come back into my life, recently.) I knew that I could only be certain once I had allowed my visceral reaction to occur. Now, though there are still a couple of ‘benchmarks’ that we have not crossed, I am feeling much more confident that my reaction and my belief will continue to coincide.
My honey and I have also talked quite extensively about how this is affecting his beliefs and ideas. After all, this is much more new to him. Once he thought about it, he recognized that he thought my belief set was right, but for him the emotional and visceral was even more unknown. Although he is in the relatively ‘easy’ position, we have discussed how engaging in this relationship – and seeing how little it negatively affects his feelings for me (so far, not at all) may well be a huge step in him recognizing, and becoming comfortable with the fact that my feelings for another will be equally ‘nonthreatening’ to his place in my heart and our future life. At least, this is my hope.
(Originally Posted December 26, 2006)