So take me as I am
This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I’m going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won’t mean a thing
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your health, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way
Meredith Brooks, Bitch
Today is not going to be a good day.
This week, I have gotten very little sleep and this morning I woke up really pissed off about it. I’m sure that is partly because when the alarm went off and I had to drag myself up, I physically hurt – my muscles were trembling (and really, still are). I haven’t worked out in a week and I expect I won;t today, either. So that pisses me off. And it pisses me off that I know I will not get to ‘catch up’ on my sleep until (possibly) Sunday. So there really isn’t a damn thing I can do to feel better.
So you’ll have to excuse me while I vent a little, and bitch about a variety of little things that lack of sleep has exaggerated in my mind. Skip pat, if you like. This is just something that I feel a need to write, not something that there is likely to be much value in reading.
I wrote a post, yesterday, but I did not put it up because I realized it came out all wrong. And I had no energy or motivation to re-write it once I had spent an hour putting it together. I think today I might know how to do it the right way, so maybe I will work on that later today. Depends on my mood, I suppose.
Everything else, it feels right now, is all f***ed up. My honey is working hard at trying to address his feelings about me maybe going to visit Danny, but I find that I can’t really do anything to help him with that except listen as he explores his thoughts. Unfortunately, he is exploring a lot of negative emotions, so all I can get out of it personally is guilt and fear and nervousness. Intellectually, I understand that this is a process that helps him resolve his conflicts, but on an emotional level, it just leaves me feeling beat up. It makes me defensive, it makes me look for justification, it makes me angry, even, on some levels. I guess all I can hope is that his process will soon start to wind down and then I can find some way to purge or resolve the emotions it is invoking in me.
On the other side, it is only a maybe that I will get to go visit Eddie. Not because of my honey’s anxiety, but because I am getting mixed signals from Eddieas well. He has been resistant to telling me what the source of those mixed signals are – in fact, he has played it off as there being ‘no problem.’ Makes me want to scream, makes me want to cry, makes me want to smack him upside the head. But from a thousand miles away, all I can do is try to cajole, try to express my own concerns, try to analyze possible explanations from the hints I am getting… but if he does not decide to talk with me about this – or even admit there is a ‘this’ to talk about – my hands are quite effectively tied.
And then there is the third side: Laura. My honey is largely convinced that his relationship with her is fading, that it will not work out in any long term, positive way. She has been alternately pushing him away and drawing him back to her, again. I see that as a sign that eventually she will recognize that she wants this thing to work out enough that in time she will decide to commit herself to making an honest go of it. Of course, I have no direct contact with her, so he probably knows better than I. But on the flip, I could suggest that I have a more objective (not totally objective, obviously) view than he. But only time will tell.
Problem is, I am not a terribly patient person. And sleep deprivation only makes that worse.
Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.
(Originally Posted March 14, 2007)