Posted by: terrapraeta | June 25, 2009

Communication 101: Shame


Shame, shouldn’t try you, couldn’t step by you
And open up more
Shame, shame, shame

What we lost here is something better left alone
Second steps have been forgotten, will you tell me how
They go
Set yourself, situate, like a fool try again
There’s no one around you can remember being good, for you
So

Matchbox 20, Shame

This is part of a short series I wrote for an online forum I participate in… as a response to an argument between two real-time friends of mine. The series fell apart after two articles because of changes in my life, but we’ll get to those stories soon.
I’m pissed off.

Really, I’m sitting here and I just feel the anxiety and irritation welling up and I just want to lash out at something. Of course, I don’t do that anymore, because I am ‘all grown up’ but man, I’d like to do it just the same.

Does that make me wrong?

No, just pissed.

When are we going to stop telling each other what it is ‘okay’ to think or feel or want or need or be? When are we going to finally recognize that all of it is valid? Honesty. Fucking honesty in all it’s ugliness. Anger, Fear, Aggression, Hatred. We all have these things in our souls, but we cannot admit to it, because that would make us no better than the worst among us. Bullshit.

I’ve been promising to write some bits about communication based on the experiences I have had in the last year. Well, you know, this is not really what I had in mind, but why not start with this? If we are going to embrace the power of sharing with one another, we need to first start with acknowledging our own humanity – and inhumanity at times. Sometimes, I’m a royal bitch. I am selfish and superficial. I hide my shame. I pretend it is not there because if it were, well, how could I face myself, never mind another person that knew about it?

But you know what, that’s bullshit, too. Because we all have these secret shames and we all hide them from ourselves and those we love and we all pretend that we are better than all that. But it’s a lie and you know it, just as I do. If only we are willing to face it.

So I’ll tell you what – seek out your secret shames. Share them with the people you love and encourage them to do the same. Once that’s done, reconsider Devin and his ‘angst’ and ask yourself if it upset you because of the words he used, or if you were upset by it because it reminded you, ever so slightly, of the secrets in your own heart that you were too frightened or appalled or anxious or ashamed to acknowledge.

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