This is the first day of my life
Swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed
They’re spreading blankets on the beach
Bright Eyes, First Day of My Life
(Originally written for the members of an online community I participate in)
So I know that I have been really quiet around here for the last month an some. A few of you know why, or at least partially why. I figure it is about time that I let y’all in on what has been happening in my life.
Anyone that knows me, in person or through extensive on line discussions, knows about my honey and the Kid. My honey has been my partner for about fifteen years. The Kid is our teenage son. They have been my life for all of those years, sometimes to the detriment of my own sanity, ideology and lifestyle. Sometimes, quite the opposite. But always intimately tied into all that I do and think.
Well, almost two months ago that changed. I decided that my life and my honey’s no longer complimented each other. Or perhaps I decided to finally own up to my own choices and stop letting him provide me with excuses to not own them. Either way, I moved out of our house and went to stay with my parents while I sorted out what my future ought to look like.
In Devin’s terms, I was no longer stuck, but still sticky.
Much of this self examination was brought on by an old friend coming back into my life just about a year ago. What do i want from my life, what am I willing to sacrifice, what am I unwilling to sacrifice, how do I want to achieve my goals… you know, typical midlife crisis and all. These were thoughts I had jockeyed around, literally, for years, but finally I was nudged enough to stop putting off making some real choices for myself. Or perhaps, more precisely, I remembered that I am strong enough to make my own choices. I found my strength of will, my strength of character, my confidence to step beyond any perceived dependencies and choose for me.
Almost exactly a month ago, I faced another test of that will. This same old friend called me in crisis. I could talk him through it, or I could ignore it. Or, and this would not have even occurred to me six months ago, I could step up and offer the unconditional support that he needed. Fifteen hours later, I arrived in Denver and found myself on the cusp of a brand new life.
The hard part, of course, is that my son has no desire to leave the midwest. Or more precisely, no desire to leave the town where we have lived until after he has completed school. I can’t blame him. The last time we moved was quite difficult for him, and as a child, I moved a lot, so I have some personal experience of what that feels like. I asked him to come with me, of course, but with an open acceptance that he was almost certain to say no.
All things considered, it is probably going to work out almost ideally. My honey wants to keep our home, and has some ideas of how he would like his own future to unfold. He has embraced the idea of being a full time father, although he sometimes feels a bit overwhelmed by it all. Ian is starting high school next year, and although I want to be there for everything, I know in my heart that the time he will have for Mom will only get less and less over the next few years.
So I rail at the thought that I am separated from my child, while reveling in the idea that a few times a year I will get to have his only slightly divided attention. I look forward to showing him a different kind of life than the American Midwest has to offer. I look forward to introducing him to a different kind of people than he has ever known. And the unspoken hope that perhaps one day he will find this new lifestyle appealing enough to embrace it.
For now, I have a new apartment 1000 miles from my previous abode. The move has turned into a reunion of sorts, as I am sharing the apartment with two friends from my high school days, and my brother, too, lives in this mile high city. I am going back to a career from my earlier days: I used to wait tables for a living and I am planning to do the same again. Both for the social component of such work and for the complete lack of take home stress it engenders. That way my home time can be spent on those things that truly drive me. Perhaps there will be a book in all of this before I am done. (Perhaps…. HA!)
However it works, I cannot help but think that at least for a moment I truly through myself into the hands of the gods. Some days I feel like I am still there, living in their hands. Other days I feel like I am fighting them for control. One of these days, I’ll give up the fight completely and see where life takes me.