Posted by: terrapraeta | August 24, 2009

Four Walls and a Door

I hear the ticking of the clock
Im lying here the rooms pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it wont end though

Heart, Alone

My friend Dave wrote an article the other day about Living Alone. That’s something I have been thinking a lot about lately. See, for the past three months – and for the very first time in my life – I am living alone. It seems insane to me that it took almost forty years before I got to this point. And it may well be said that much of the pain and sadness I’ve experienced over the years may have been caused by the fact that I had never ever taken the time to just be with myself. Certainly, that was my intention when I left my honey two years ago. But then life got in the way and I didn’t do it.

So far the experience has been mixed. I really enjoy the fact that I can do what I want when I want. For so many years, hobbies that I wanted to take up, projects that I wanted to see done, music I wanted to listen to right now, never happened because there was another person, another schedule, another set of priorities that I had to consider. Likewise, I have always needed a little alone time. Often, living with another person, it was a struggle to make sure I had a quiet space to myself. There are still times that I have too much going on, too many hours of work, other commitments, etc. But when I really need it, it’s there for the taking.

Then there is the other side of the coin. I haven’t really found a way to fill all that empty space, yet. It is far too easy for me to fall into an introspective reverie that allows nobody in. So I am fighting that tendency, while struggling to find activities and social opportunities to keep me balanced. Some times are better, others are worse, but I still haven’t quite got the balance correct. I keep reminding myself to give it time.

I do think I have figured out one thing for certain, though. In my life, living alone will be a learning experience for me, but it will never be a life choice. Whether I turn to roommates, another lover, or a community situation, being by myself too much is a trap that I could bind myself in all too easily. So in time, six months, maybe a year, it’ll be time for me to start looking for an alternative. But for now, I’m going to get as much out of it as I possibly can.


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