It’s the wonder of the situation
Sitting on my lap again
It’s one more time I may lose control
I’ve got to get the fuck out of here
Got to pick myself up, again
Got to pick my heart and pick my friends
So I’m sticking out my thumb again
Inside the plain as it ascends
I don’t know if I’m ever coming home
So mama please don’t wait for me
When I don’t come on back today
You know, my love is never goin’ away
Kenny Riddle, Inside the Plain as it Ascends
My job is getting stressful. Not really – not like working a nine to five and sitting at a desk and worrying it over all night when I’m trying to sleep. If I had to do that again, I think I’d kill myself – euthanasia style… the quick and easy death, you know? But enough so that I’m dreaming about it.
Its not the work itself. I love my boss and her sister (the other assistant manager), but they are both deeply emotional Italian women. That means that when something happens, they yell first and look for solutions later. When I was just another grunt, I could shunt that off — no problem. Part of my basic personality. But now, because I am also a manager, all of the other people I work with come to me when there’s an issue. Especially the boys in the kitchen. Which means that I get stuck in the middle. In some ways that’s good. I have no problem going to the boss and telling her when she needs to look for a new way of doing things. That’s part of the reason I’m a manager now. But when its every day, it starts to wear on me.
Now, to be honest, the biggest reason its wearing on me is that I am thinking about what I want to do next with my life and getting antsy to get on with it. So it’s self induced. My sub-conscious working me up to push me toward some kind of change. And another part is burn out. I really need to get away from here for a little while. Kick back and unwind.
But then there is that part that really is getting less happy with my job. Just a little, so far, but this is a pattern I’ve experienced enough times to know that once it starts the eventual outcome is inevitable. The question is whether I’m going to let it build enough to get truly unhappy or if I am going to seek a preventative, make a change preemptively. Knowing myself, I probably will not, but it is already very much on my mind, so perhaps I will break my pattern.
It’s strange, I revel in change. I really don’t have a problem with it. But at the same time, I will sometimes push things to the breaking point before I give up on a situation… Eddie was a classic example. If I could have stepped away sooner, things would not have gotten so bad and perhaps there could have been a possibility of a different ending. But I had to push until there was nothing left. Food for thought, that.