And I tell you how easy it is to be with you
And how right your arms feel around me.
Bit I rehearsed those words just late last night
When I was thinking about how right tonight might be.
Is making me late
Is keeping me waiting
And tomorrow we might not be together
I’m no prophet, I don’t know natures way
So I’ll try to see into your eyes right now
And stay right here, ’cause these are the good old days.
Carly Simon, Anticipation
The last week has been really weird. I know, I said the other day that it has been quiet, and it has, but not inside my head. Mentally, more has happened in the last some days than in any given month before this. I’ve had this battle going on between myself and, well, myself. Head vs gut. Not a brilliant experience.
I wrote, actually years ago, now, about my empathic nature. When I am with someone and feel their emotion, it is quite obvious and I really don’t have any doubt about what I am feeling or why. But then there are the long distance feelings I get. Sometimes I get a really horrible feeling and that will lead me to call everyone I am close to and simply ask “is everything okay?” Usually nothing comes of it – maybe because I don’t talk to the person that caused it, maybe because the turmoil is so internalized that it’s not mentioned, maybe because I’m picking up on some general malaise around me. I don’t know which or what combination may be the answer. But I don’t worry about that – I’ve checked in and made sure nothing was overtly wrong and I will always continue to do the same.
Then there are the other times… when I feel something good or exciting or hoped for. That’s when I start to question myself. Am I projecting my own hopes? Am I working myself up over nothing? The reason is simple: just like with the bad feelings, I don’t always connect the reason for the feeling with the correct cause, and sometimes it has nothing to do with me whatsoever. And I am totally OCD, so when I get an idea in my head I sometimes get carried away with it. And often, at the end of it all, I never really know what was going on. I just know that it wasn’t what I thought. At least not exactly.
So, last weekend I got one of these strong, positive feelings and got all kinds of distracted and worked up. Going out Saturday turned out to be a doubly good thing. Not only did I really need to go out and simply have fun with friends, but it also distracted me from my inner turmoil. And not just for that evening – the hang over the next day effectively shut me down as well. By Monday, my senses were recovered, but by this time the feeling was simply anxiousness. Monday night I then spent over five hours unable to sleep – partly because of the thoughts rolling around in my head.
But before I feel asleep I finally decided to do something about it. Once upon a time, when I first discovered my empathic tendencies and gradually learned to deal with it, I built myself a wall… sort of a sci-fi style defensive shield. Something to block out the majority of the emotion floating around in the ether (or however you want to imagine it…) A few times over the years I have intentionally let the shield down and just experienced the flow… and that has been very cool in some ways, but absolutely not something I could live with twenty four seven. So Monday night, I adjusted that shield to block out more, in certain specific ways.
Tuesday I was so tired, that it was hard to say whether my efforts were successful or not… but yesterday I managed to have a remarkable quiet and relaxed day. So I am now pretty sure it accomplished just what I was hoping. Thank the gods. So finally my head is my own again, and I am feeling an inner peace that has been absent much of the last few months. Well, no, I have actually been more peaceful in a lot of ways than ever before – but the quiet moments have been killing me, sometimes… maybe now I’m finally past that.