Posted by: terrapraeta | October 9, 2009

An Open Letter to Eddie


Broke into the old apartment
This is where we used to live
Broken glass, broke and hungry
Broken hearts and broken bones
This is where we used to live

Why did you paint the walls?
Why did you clean the floor?
Why did you plaster over the hole I punched in the door?
This is where we used to live

Barenaked Ladies, The Old Apartment

It’s been quite a ride, huh?

You were right the other day… I do still love you. I always will. But not the way I once did. There has been too much pain, there has been too much trauma, too many memories that haunt the present. I can’t do anything about that. These things have happened and they exist, however memory actually exists: under the ground, beyond the eastern mountains – however you wish to see it — these things still wait for us.

So what does that leave now? What lies in the air or beyond the sunset? This is the part that is unwritten, even in the grass and dust.

I keep trying to tell you how I feel about this potential, but it is as if I speak to myself. Partly because however much you hear, I don’t feel like you listen and I’m worn out, I’m tired of saying it again and again. Partly also because there is so much that even now I cannot say to you, no matter how many times I rehearse, no matter how much I want to, even when given the chance.

Even now I cannot stop protecting you, even from me. And you know, it really pisses me off. How much easier if I could just be cruel, be cold, shut you out, walk away. But I cannot. And so I hurt for both of us, again and again. And then it pisses me off that you would allow that. Like you have a choice.

But then there are the times that you do have a choice, and still it comes out the same.

I don’t know how to trust you, anymore. And I don’t know how to not care. So I got pulled into your web because I cannot shut you out, but then I question every word every motive every action. I have never lived in a place like this before. Two warring emotions, both equally profound and both equally overwhelming and both devastating.

The most important thing I have said, the most important thing that you have not heard: if you want any future of any sort between us, you must start by being my friend. This is not hope, this is not a first step or an opening or a maybe. This is a simple straight forward truth. I cannot bear the pain you bring to me if you cannot, first and foremost, protect me against that pain. And the only way you can do that is by being the best friend you have ever been to anyone in your life. You must care more about my happiness than anything else on the planet. Including your own. You must be willing to let me fly free. And that means holding your own feelings to yourself. Because when you thrust your desires upon me, even a little, you are thrusting my feelings aside. And that is far less than being my friend, much less the best friend you have ever been.

I don’t know how to tell you how to do these things. You observed me for all of these years… so you know what I do and I how I have taken care of you, and I can tell you that I might not be up to this task that I set for you. Only you can answer whether you can do better than I, at my best. And no, I am not suggesting that I was blameless or somehow ideal… merely that I intentionally set out to do just this for you these last couple years – so you have seen my best effort. Now I am asking for yours, and if you cannot give it, then I am asking you to walk away.

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Responses

  1. You have been the closest friend I’ve ever had in my life and I’m very aware of all of the things that you’ve done for me. Not just in the past few years but in the past decades that we’ve been friends. For the rest of my life I will always do my best to be your friend. Please don’t disparage the fact that you have always owned my heart.
    Yeah…
    Doing my best. Just hard to hide my feelings from you. You know me too well for that.

  2. Oh…. walking away is not an option for me. As I have said before, neither of us attaches the word ‘friend’ to another lightly. And I never abandon mine.


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