I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high
And like icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
To give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
More deeply than the oceans
More abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache
Jars of Clay, Worlds Apart
So Saturday night I went out. It was a pretty quite evening for a Saturday, which I like, and a couple of my good friends were there, as well as other “hang out buddies.” I hadn’t intended to go, but when other plans did not materialize, I decided just to run with it. Actually put on some makeup and jewelry, minded my dress – something I only do on occasion. It was fun. My pool game was half way decent and the vibe was good. I even was considering singing a little karaoke. Go figure.
But then one of my friends, Greg, suddenly grabbed his stuff and said good night. I followed him, caught up with him just inside the door and stopped him. What’s going on? What happened? He gave me “the look.” The look that says I’m very unhappy, something Bad just hit me. I don’t want to talk about it yet. I pushed him a little. He took out a cigarette and held “the look” steady. I said fine, give me a hug and we’ll talk when you’re ready. So that’s what happened. A minute later, our other friend, Ian, looked around for him and asked what happened. I told him what I knew, guessed at some possible causes (totally wrong, by the way) and left it at that. He didn’t. A few moments later he announced that he was gonna go find Greg, because he has been far too down, far too often, recently. (recent divorce and ongoing child custody issues)
So Ian left also, and I sat there thinking. And I didn’t like my thoughts. When Greg pulled a cigarette out as I queried him, it was an invitation to step outside and talk. I let it slide past. I was having fun and I didn’t want to give that up. Ian, being his fabulous, caring self, didn’t think of himself at all. That’s who I am supposed to be. That is who I pretend to be. And most of the time, that is who I am. Last night, I fucked up. So I decided to finish my drink and head over to find them and do what I should have done in the first place. Of course, as I was finishing my drink I looked over to realize that a mostly full beer sat on the table. Ian hadn’t even finished his before running of to take care of business. Pissed me off even more (at myself, that is).
So I headed over to Greg’s place. Sat on his couch and pushed. He was still not talking, though the boys had been there for at least a little while before me. Luckily – in a way – I was wearing a brimmed hat, so I could focus all of my attention on his distress while also avoiding Ian’s eyes. I don’t remember all of what I said, but eventually he told us what had happened. It was stupid… more wild accusations from the new boyfriend, accusations far beyond the pale, completely unfounded and designed to upset him. So I berated him for allowing them to do this to him. We all know that the email he received was designed to upset him and nothing else. So by getting upset he was capitulating. He was allowing them to bluff and win. After a few minutes he finally lifted his head, grinned slightly and suggested a game of cards. Ah, success.
Shortly thereafter, we all stepped outside to smoke, and Ian hung out with me after the others went inside and asked me what was wrong – I still wasn’t meeting his gaze. So I told him. That I didn’t like seeing my selfish side and it pissed me off – not at him, but at myself. He reminded me that we all need that some times and its a good thing to see in ourselves. He’s right again, of course, and I told him so. But even now I am still a bit tweaked. I’ll get over it. I just spend so much time reminding myself not to devalue myself that I sometimes excuse myself for devaluing others. And that can’t happen. Not ever. Some day I’ll find that balance and make it stick.
And then, I also cant help but think – how blessed am I that I have people in my life that remind me – not in words but in action – to be the best I can be. To live up to who I want to be. And that value people the way that I do. My friends are amazing and even when it hurts that is a fabulous thing.